Man walks into his favorite watering hole and saddles up to the bar.
As the bar keep pours him a brew, the man looks over and sees Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at a table in the back.
The man asks the bar keep and he confirms it's them.
He walks over and asks what they're doing there.
Trump says "We're planning World War 3."
The man asks "What are you going to do?"
Cruz replies "We're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The man exclaims "Why are you killing a blonde with big tits!?"
Trump replies "See? No one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims."
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
He sits down and the monkey takes off, running around, swinging from everything, making a ruckus, takes a cue ball from the pool table and eats it.
The man, embarrassed, pays for his drink and the cue ball and leaves.
The next week the man comes back to the same bar with his monkey, sits and the monkey starts doing his thing.
Eventually he grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bar keep, disgusted by the display asks why the monkey did that.
The man replies "ever since the cue ball incident he measures everything now."